That being said, I would like to take a moment to share little lessons I have learned since Esther entered the world:
- Mommy and Daddy really do know what's best - despite the best intentions of other people, it really does boil down to the fact that, as the parents, we know our children well enough to know how to work with them. As long as we're not endangering our child or being reckless (as I have seen people be), we generally learn pretty quickly what does and does not work with our baby.
- All babies are not created equal - I am not insinuating that one baby is less than the other. What I mean by this is that my child will never be like another peron's child. This lesson kind of accompanies my previous one in that what worked for one person's kid won't necessarily work for mine (hence the reason I get frustrated with unsolicited advice...sorry). It also means that we cannot really compare personalities and question "why is my child fussier than theirs?" In reality, Esther is perfect in my eyes. And Joe Schmo's little one is perfect in his eyes. God gifted us with our children and, despite their differences, they are all precious and wonderful.
- Babies are smarter than we give them credit - Okay, let me rephrase that - Esther is smarter than I thought she would be. Gosh, it gets to me some times how quickly she catches onto things. Which leads me into the next lesson...
- Real parenting doesn't start at a year - Where did I get the idea that it would? I was naive enough going into this to believe that my cute, cuddly angel would remain angelic forever. The problem is that I didn't count on how quickly bad behavior is learned. Mind you, I am not a supporter of "crying it out." Crying it out just seems cruel for one as young as Esther and, besides, it doesn't work well for her (she'll literally scream for hours if I let her). But I am learning that I cannot reinforce Esther's bad behavior by giving into her fits. Tim and I haven't quite found the perfect method just yet (and we disagree in some areas...hey, we're not perfect), but we're working on it. Hopefully we'll get it panned out before Esther is a year.
- At the end of the day, the parents are the ones she wants - I remember being concerned, when Esther was first born, that she would not realize I was her mommy. I was tired, stressed, and emotional and, in that state, thought she might wonder who the crazy woman nursing her was and then cling to someone else. I worried about returning to work and losing the bond I had with her. I have discovered, though, that the bond I have with my daughter is undeniable. At the end of the day, I think she would rather be with me than anywhere else and that doesn't bother me in the least.
- Mom's and Dad's play different roles and that's okay - For a while, I was a little jealous of the relationship between Esther and Tim. I loved that they were close and that they played so wonderfully together. But I noticed that Esther doesn't interact with me the way she does Tim. It bothered me for a while until I realized that I am just as important to her as her daddy; it's just that my role in her life is different. I play more of the nurturing role - I'm the one that feeds her and calms her. We spend time cuddling and I can get her to sleep at night like no one else. I am finally seeing that it is okay for Tim and I to approach our relationship with Esther differently. She needs a balance of both sides and I'm really enjoying the mommy role. And I'm really enjoying watching Tim develop as a daddy! I don't think anyone in the world could do better than him (well, expect for my daddy. I'd say Tim and dad are equal in my mind).
I know that I will learn many lessons over the next 18 years. The biggest one I dread is learning how to let go. I'm already learning that to a small extent. Something as simple as letting her learn to sit unsupported or roll across the room is difficult for me. I want so bad to help! But I know that it is also important for Esther to drive her own development a little. I'm just not looking forward to the day she really breaks out on her own!
Until that time, however, I will enjoy the things she'll end up teaching me and I'll take advantage of these years where she really relies on me.
I love my little girl, I love my wonderful husband, and I love being a mommy!
I realize you mentioned you dislike unsolicited advice, but since you posted it in a public forum, I suppose you must be somewhat open to comments. It's all up to you what you do with your child, but there really shouldn't be anything wrong with advice from experienced mothers :) You are correct about the bad behavior being learned. The reason a baby cries (for hours if you'd let them) is usually due to the (no offense intended) spoiling nature of parents afraid to "let go." I don't know you, or your baby, and I agree that no babies are exactly the same. But they are close enough that the techniques needed for teaching and learning are the same. If you truly are concerned about the behavior continuing, you'll need to get a little tougher with the "crying it out" as you called it. From reading your post today and the past ones as well, it definitely sounds that you're attached (as you should be!) but you can still be attached and let her grow. As a mother you know when her crying is justified or when she's doing it so you'll pick her up. Of course it seems that if you were to let it, the crying would carry on forever, but it doesn't...regardless of the nature of your child. It will lessen each time you do it (and you can't give in quickly or it will never be learned!) so that eventually that neediness goes away. It may seem cruel, but it's not, you're (as with ALL mothers) just worried about your baby. This is why an outsider's opinion shouldn't bother you as much as you let on. If others that are closer to you are telling you similar things as me, then doesn't that deserve a second thought? I don't know, I guess as long as she's not disrupting other people it's not that big a deal. It's when the fussys start disrupting the others. Have you started taking her to a babysitter yet? If she's that attached to you, I can't imagine it a fun day for the babysitter and the others around her. That is when you really have a problem.
ReplyDeleteAll this being said, I'm sure you're a wonderful mother and it will all work out for you in the best way for you and your family.